My thoughts are racing, I need to get them in order. I could use a mind map
\ or something, let's at least write something down.

> 28 sang an excerpt from a song that dad used to sing to me when I was
> very little. I barely remember anything about it.

> I don't even know what language is this, I can't translate the meaning,
> but I can recall a broad gist: "when something bad happens, I'll remember
> people who are better than you, but none of them has one special quality
> that you have."

> I didn't remember anything about any of it until just now. Looks like
> I don't know some important facts about dad, like what's all this about?
> Songs in foreign languages? Where was he born? What's his heritage?
> Why didn't I ask?

I'm feeling very sad now. What a catastrophy of a daughter.

> Most important question: HOW IN THE MILLION FUCKS does 28 know? Is dad alive? What?

Now I feel angry and frustrated. I demand answers, I need to know, I have
\ a right to this information, it concerns me directly! But of course,
\ everything is classified. Why? What else is there that I don't know?
\ Why do they keep it from me? I kick the wall several times until it hurts,
\ then drop on the bed and start to examine the ceiling.

There is actually another side to this story. Maybe they keep it from me
\ for my own sake. 28 doesn't seem evil or malicious to me. What did she express
\ with such creativity? One thing to take away would be I'm worthless
\ in every way, with a single exception.

...

Okay, what is this exception?

...

What am I good at?

...

Do I have any special qualities?

...

I guess this judgement is not for me to make. Even if there is something special
\ about me, I won't be able to determine it.

...

I feel helpless, in a bad way. I'm not aroused in the least, I'm sad,
\ even depressed. What am I doing here? I want to go home, I want to wake up
\ and be back to the life I knew, the life I liked. The world that makes sense,
\ with familiar structure and certainty. That world wasn't ideal as well,
\ but it was mine, I could predict what's likely to happen next. A stream
\ session will end, another will begin, in a couple years I'd make some money...
\ Then what? In that world, who would I be in twenty years? Some office worker?
\ Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'd make some connections and secure a job somewhere,
\ I don't know, marketing?

I didn't like to think about the future in that world, because future meant
\ a change for the worse. I knew my camera days were temporary, fleeting,
\ but that was one way to make a living I was okay with, others --
\ realistic ones -- did not induce excitement at all. What, go to college,
\ and then? There is nothing I can do... no, more importantly there is nothing
\ I want to do. I was paid for doing nothing, that's the point. I like to dream,
\ listen to music, read, imagine things. It's not a job.

I don't want to go home anymore. It's okay, it wasn't really an option anyway.

I don't want to stay here either. In this alien place twenty floors underground
\ where I don't know anybody, don't know what's going on, can't even go most
\ places or get any meaningful answers. The future here is not scary, it just doesn't exist.

At least there I had Liz... and dad... here I don't have anyone. Sure, there's
\ Old Man, he's a friend, but in a different way. There are Bunny and Foxy,
\ they seem nice, but we've known each other for a single day, that's not nearly
\ enough. Agent Mistress seems to know me better than I do myself, but I know
\ exactly nothing about her, not even her name. She won't talk anyway, maybe
\ after she's out of the bed, but probably not. Fucking hell, I could use
\ an old friend right now.

What, go to hospital, seek treatment? For... loneliness?

...

Would alcohol help? In media it usually does. I have little experience, I don't
\ drink much. I'm wondering whether they can wet your whistle in the canteen,
\ at least I'd be walking instead of just laying here in this concrete box.

I start walking.

I shouldn't have been thinking that, now I'm starting to feel claustrophobic,
\ I need to get out. F. U. C. K. I take out my phone and stare at the chat list
\ while walking.

...

Eeeeh, "security" looks somewhat relevant, -ish, I don't know about this,
\ but I need to get out.

> Requesting permission to go above.

It took a second for someone to respond.

>> Hold.

Well, there are several ways it can go wrong, but too late to worry now I guess.

>> Permission granted for entrance 418.

That was easy. Thanks, person... or otherwise... who- or whatever you are.
\ Really appreciate it. 418 seems familiar.

Right, canteen. Not much people inside. Now, how to go about it without being
\ extra weird? Oh hey, there are vending machines by the wall, maybe a beer
\ in one of them? Snacks, soda, candy, cigarettes... condoms... I don't drink
\ condoms-- but then again, that's a thought for a later time. Sandwiches, water,
\ ah-ha! Looks like beer to me, I'll take... how much to feel better? Tw-- ree?
\ Whatever, it's on the house anyway, I'll take three.

Now, 418. It sure does seem familiar, I visualize the digits and my mind rings
\ the bells. Where did I see this? Is this? Isn't this the bunker, I mean
\ THE bunker? On the way down, I didn't really pay attention, but now I'm sure
\ it is. Okay, how to get there?

I start walking around, searching for navigation signs. What colour was
\ the number on a wall? Ummm, red? Okay, here, red zone to the right. Is it cool
\ to open the can already? Fuck you, I'm a colonel without clearance, I'm sure
\ I can have a beer after work, all right? I need it. For medical reasons.

...

Ewwwww, why would you drink this out of your own free will? I need access
\ to officers bar, that's where they keep the good stuff I'm sure. Fine,
\ I'm not sure. Of anything. I don't know even if the officers bar exists here,
\ or is it even, like, a thing at all. But your "need to know" basis
\ won't stop me from imagining it, and me inside it, and me chatting with
\ other officers over some good stuff. Whatever the stuff, it's gonna
\ be good, but we will all berate it nonetheless, repeating rumors that
\ there is a top secret general staff bar, where they keep their really good
\ stuff, you know, not this shit they've been pouring us. Big Boss (shush!),
\ she knows her good stuff, it's the best stuff there is, and this, look
\ at this, I've had better whisky in Groningen coffeeshop, when I was there
\ on this mission, I can't talk about, but you know anyway, I'm sure you've
\ seen reports. Of course we're just kidding, the good stuff is good, but
\ it would be against long-standing tradition to acknowlegde the goodness
\ of good stuff.

Okay, looks like I'm in the red, should 418 start popping up on the signs now?
\ Oh hey, it does, now I'll just follow the arrows. I hope they are not
\ incorrect on purpose, on account of misleading the enemy forces should
\ they breach the complex somehow. Am I the enemy by the way?

...

They don't act like I'm one, but what should be my own assessment? Who are they
\ to me, who am I to them? What do they plan to do with us, with me, do they
\ even have a plan? Agent Mistress seems like she may, others no idea. Would
\ I have to stay here? For how long? In what capacity? Would I be able to help
\ them in any way? Would they want me to? Would I want to? If they are alive,
\ who else is? What happened to the world? Could I find any other option besides
\ just living in a hole in the ground? Or should I start working, like, against
\ them? I can't really make any decisions at this point, all I have is questions.

Right, the door, press my pass against the box, look at the camera, green. I'm
\ not walking up twenty floors if the elevator works, let's see here. The door
\ is open, inside it's spacious and looks industrial. Just one button, very
\ large and heavy duty. Nothing happens, doors don't close. Do I close them
\ manually? There is a wheel with a handle, it rotates and the doors move.
\ The wheel is large, but it rotates without, like, extreme effort, it just
\ feels like I'm moving a large mass with large inertia, which I am. All
\ the way now, until a click, press the button again. "Push it, make the lift
\ go higher". Heh. It comes alive, I hear low grumble and feel movement.

It takes a minute or two, but it comes to a stop. Rotate the wheel the other way
\ till the click again I guess. The click is thick, not at all like a keyboard
\ button or something. The mechanism makes an impression of something large
\ and robust and anything-proof, which makes sense.

So, what next? Another door, no lock from this side, just a horizontal bar
\ to push and open. Oooh, it's heavy, but it moves. Beyond the door is
\ a familiar place. How do I open the door from this side? Ummm. Maybe
\ I should just leave it open for now.

So, here's the main corridor to the airlock, here's the gun agent Mistress
\ dropped. I put the beer on the floor and pick it up automatically.
\ I don't know, maybe something about littering in a place I've cleaned up?
\ I'll decide what to do with it later, now I just put it in my pocket
\ and pick up my beer again. Past the airlock is the ladder that I'll need
\ to climb this time. I reminisce for a little bit, it was good, I liked it.
\ I'll need at least one arm to climb, and now both are involved in holding
\ beer cans. I turn around and see a bag with the tools we brought back.

I go to the galley and place the cans down, then take the bag to the bedroom
\ and remove the tools, laying them on the floor in the middle. See, now it's
\ not littering, now it's an installation, a contemporary art piece, something
\ about defiance and futility. I'll pick a name later. I put the unopened cans
\ into the now empty bag, hang it over my back, and stand before the ladder
\ with the opened can in my hand. I think I can climb, if I hold the ladder from
\ the side. I take another sip and mount the ladder, and yeah, I can. The hatch
\ is closed though, I'll need another hand after all. I sigh and climb down.

Okay, whatever, I place the can on the floor, climb the ladder again, and turn
\ the locking wheel half a circle. I guess the hatch is under spring tension,
\ because it opens up quite nicely by itself, and I guess Old Man kept it
\ maintained and oiled, because it doesn't make a sound while opening.
\ Outside is nice. I climb down again, pick up the can, take a sip, take a sigh,
\ climb up AGAIN, and finally I'm out.

Outside IS nice. It's evening, but it's still warm. The bunker was chilly, I was
\ just preoccupied with other things to notice before. The sky is clear, the sun
\ is setting, it's a beautiful picture. I want to go higher. I close the hatch
\ and look around. Old Man said he had a watching post, I can probably climb one
\ of these trees as well, but not one-handed. Not much left in the can, I take
\ another sip then lift the bag off my back and put the gun there, I feel uneasy
\ having it in my pocket while climbing actually. So which one to climb? I walk
\ around not going far from the hatch. You know what would be bad? Getting lost
\ here, like that's a scary thought. It's gonna be dark soon and I don't have
\ a flashlight or anything.

I take a deep breath and finish the can. I can't throw in on the ground,
\ my upbringing won't let me, but I can smash it under my boot, so I do, and
\ I like it. Then I put it in the bag and start to climb the tree that looks
\ the most welcoming. It's not that hard, the branches are thick and there are
\ many of them, and soon I can see much farther. I pick a branch and sit on it
\ quite comfortably, enjoying the nature and enjoying myself. I hope I won't fall
\ if I drink another beer, I don't feel that drunk yet at least. I open
\ the second can and take a sip. Eeewww. I mean it's still bad, but... Less bad
\ now? Is it an acquired taste or is alcohol working its magic?

The setting sun makes me sad again. What if I do fall, who's gonna care? Old Man
\ is not alone anymore, I'm sure he's gonna make friends in the complex, friends
\ that are better than me, friends who can talk. 28 is certainly a mystery. She
\ does care, but, like, why? I mean, not 28, not the role I've given her,
\ the woman behind the codenames. Why do I go along with this performance? Do I
\ enjoy it myself or do I want to please those around me?

...

What am I doing here? I can always pull a break, but what do I want to do
\ instead? Nothing, there is no-thing, I can't imagine a productive job for myself
\ in this, hm, society. Do they need a professional camwhore? Do I want to be
\ their camwhore? I have no future here or anywhere, I'm depressed again, and
\ the second can is almost empty, and the sun is almost gone.

...

Let's test this. I'm half sure the gun won't fire. I don't seek death, but I
\ don't want to live either. I'll let fate decide. I finish the can and open
\ the bag again. This time I crush the can with my hand, it feels good as well.
\ I take the gun out and look at it. Looks like a 1911, hammer cocked, safety's
\ off. I don't want to put it in my mouth, fuck you. Officers shoot themselves
\ in the temple, at least in my mind, so I slowly lift my right arm, holding
\ the finger away. Do I do this? Why do I do this? Why do I not do this? It's
\ really a coin flip for me, I don't care either way. At least if I die now,
\ I'll die as I lived, as a slightly funny joke that I've once heard somewhere
\ about not playing russian roulette with an automatic pistol. Fucking Russia,
\ still fucking my life up. I hold the grip tightly and squeeze the trigger.

Click.

Yeah, I was expecting to be disappointed. I'll give it another chance.

I lower my arm so I can see the gun and slowly pull the slide back. It's loaded,
\ the cartridge pops out, looking normal. I rack it all the way, then put
\ the cartridge in my pocket, I still don't want to litter in the woods. There is
\ another joke taking form about throwing away my life, but I don't wait for it,
\ I lift my arm again and squeeze the trigger once more.

Click.

Okay, okay, you win. I put the gun in the bag and lift my fist to the sky. Then
\ the second one. Like antennas to heaven, see if you can get this reference
\ without the internet. The sky is dark now, I'd better get back. I feel
\ slightly woozy, but steady enough to not slip and fall. This was an easy tree
\ to climb up, it's still not that of a challenge to climb down. Oh yeah, I can
\ probably get some light out of my phone, but I can still see, it's dark, but
\ not pitch black yet. There's the hatch, I turn the wheel and it opens. I mount
\ the ladder and pull on the hatch from inside. It's heavy, but pulling with
\ my body I manage to close it shut and turn the wheel again. Now what. Do I go,
\ like back back, deep underground? I don't want to do it, I'll spend the night
\ here. Yeah, it's still chilly here, but I'll be fine under the blanket.

I take the bag off my back, pull the third beer can and drop the bag on the floor
\ near the bed. Ew. I hope I'll get properly drunk and just maybe fall asleep?
\ Nothing I do now makes any difference, I have no plans, I have no agenda. I'll
\ just go with the flow, I'm driftwood floating on the water. I made a bet and I
\ lost it, and I have to respect the outcome, fair is fair. I can always kill
\ myself later.

I sit on the bed, not much on my mind. I pull the bag closer to me with my leg,
\ lift it up and place beside me. I take the gun out, take the mag out of it
\ and rack the slide slowly, then push on the slide stop to close it and pull
\ the trigger, holding the hammer with my left hand. I take the cartridge out of
\ my pocket and load both back into the mag, then insert the mag into the gun,
\ flip the safety on, and put it back into the bag. I don't do it for any
\ particular reason, I just want to leave things in predictable state, I need
\ some order in my life, so I'll tidy up what I can I guess. Speaking of cans,
\ I take a sip. How do I know anything about guns? This is America, baby! Dad
\ took me shooting several times and gave lectures beforehand like
\ a responsible person would. I also played some videogames from time to time,
\ mostly because the guys-- the audience seemed to like themselves a gamergirl,
\ naked of course. Well, some of the games had guns, and some of those that did
\ had them more or less realistically depicted, and also I like to read, and
\ sometimes I read on one thing, but then I click on another and look now I'm
\ reading about something completely different. Anyway, I just know some facts,
\ all right?

Should I take the gun apart and see what's wrong with it? If I wanted to make sure
\ it doesn't fire, while otherwise looking okay, I'd mess with the firing pin
\ or the hammer. Eh, I don't care enough to check, whatever. I don't want anything
\ right now, I just want to finish this can and fall asleep. I'm not counting
\ on tomorrow being any better, but I'm done with today anyway. Well, maybe
\ I want to take a piss, fine. I get up and go to the latrine, remembering
\ the pony times. Life sure was easier just days ago... or not. At least now
\ I can worry less about Old Man, I can picture him living better than before.
\ If I know people at all, I'm sure agent Mistress will do her best so he can
\ live happily ever after, and she seems to have ways to do things.

I think about agent Mistress. On the one hand I like her, on the other hand she's
\ being a gigantic bitch to me. Suddenly an idea pops up, first as an absurd
\ what-if, but slowly becoming more and more attractive. It's... Novel, for me
\ at least, I'll have to examine it later.

What's in this room by the way, I don't think I've been here. The thumping
\ becomes louder as I open the door. Had I never turned my attention
\ to the sounds in the bunker before just now? I guess I was always busy with
\ something else, now I have nothing better to do. So, the soundscape is quiet,
\ but definitely present. Mostly it consists of low whirring and thumping,
\ indicating some machinery nearby. So this room contains the machinery then,
\ I guess. I see a large metal box with a control panel, it has a green light
\ and a number of switches, I'm not going to examine it further, why would
\ I care. What is it? I don't know, probably a pump of some kind, maybe this
\ is where the water comes from. It occupies most of the room, not much else
\ is here. I leave and close the door.

I walk back into the bedroom, finish the beer, take off my boots and get into
\ the bed. It's cold, but I'll warm it up. Do I undress? No, I'll go to sleep
\ like a frontline officer, in uniform and with unbrushed teeth, against Pony
\ Corps regulations, which is fair, I don't have to follow them anymore. I feel
\ like I'm failing to be a person as much as I've failed to be a pony, if
\ People Corps discharge me as well, who will pick me up? I'm still sad, but
\ that's okay, sad is okay. Whirring and thumping are actually soothing, they
\ relax me a lot. Total silence would be much much worse. Looks like alcohol
\ does work after all, I guess my job should come with hazard pay because
\ I may pick up some bad habits here...

[[I fall asleep.|next]]

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