We go in silence. I don't know about this. I need time to analyze what's happening,
\ but once again I haven't been given time, I've been given an order. I fully
\ appreciate I don't have to follow it, or follow her, I just... Fucking hell.
\ So I'm not ready yet, huh? What is it that I lack, do I need even more submission
\ towards her? How is it that I prove my readiness? What sort of an exam I have
\ to pass? And do I want to enter a relationship that requires me to pass exams?
\ No, not really. That's the problem here, this shit doesn't sit right with me.
\ I didn't ask her to prove anything to me, so it's unfair that suddenly
\ I have to do it. I'm also not that hot on exams in general, I am what I am,
\ take it or leave it. What do I do if she doesn't take me though? A life
\ of anti-depressants does not sound that exciting, I agree with Foxy here.

We arrive at her place, I guess, and now I stand near the entrance, while she's
\ busy with something. The light is soft and warm, the room looks minimalistic
\ but appealing. This must be her home office of sorts, I see displays on a table,
\ nothing on them, and a keyboard, and an office chair. Em is back, and she stands
\ in front of me, looking serious.

"I had to maintain my noblesse oblige before them, but I can drop the act now.
\ Mute, I'm not rejecting you. This is the one thing I want to make absolutely clear,
\ I'm not. At the same time I can't accept your consent for life-long relationship
\ of this sort before it's completely, unquestionably established beyond any doubt
\ you know what you're asking for, and I don't think you do. You don't ask me
\ to marry you, you ask me to take away your freedom and make it so you won't be able
\ to get it back should you change your mind later. This is a commitment for me
\ as large as it is for you. I refuse to enjoy myself at your expense. If you are
\ unhappy later, that would make two of us, and there will be no way out, because
\ I will make sure there is no way out to the best of my ability, because it's what
\ you ask me to do."

I know it's a risk, but what are my options? Not do it? And then what?

"It's hard to say this without being off-putting, please don't take it
\ the wrong way." -- she sighs -- "Let's start small, okay? What I see is right now
\ you don't want anything at all from me, you're mad at me, upset and angry, and
\ I understand, and this is exactly what I'm talking about. You have to trust me
\ two hundred percent, you have to know at all times that what I decide is the right
\ thing to do, period. If I say you're not ready it means you aren't, and if
\ it doesn't mean that, than it means it even more. It came out convoluted, sorry."

No, I understand. This is what I lack, I have to submit to rejection of my submission,
\ but there's a problem here.

"If I lock you up now, it would be the exact bad thing I don't ever want to do.
\ Take your time, leave if you want. I'll be here, I'll wait for you. When you
\ feel ready, make it clear to me, and we'll start. Small. And then..." --
\ she points her finger at me -- "we'll see where it gets us."

I'm not upset or mad or angry at you, Em. I need someone to hug me and tell me
\ that everything is going to be okay. I'm sad and tired again, I don't want
\ to leave, I want to lie down. I take my phone out.

> Where do I sleep?

"Anywhere you want. If you want your own bed, take mine. I mean I only have one
\ and if you don't want us sleeping together it's fine."