280 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
280 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
We go in silence. I don't know about this. I need time to analyze what's happening,
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\ but once again I haven't been given time, I've been given an order. I fully
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\ appreciate I don't have to follow it, or follow her, I just... Fucking hell.
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\ So I'm not ready yet, huh? What is it that I lack, do I need even more submission
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\ towards her? How is it that I prove my readiness? What sort of an exam I have
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\ to pass? And do I want to enter a relationship that requires me to pass exams?
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\ No, not really. That's the problem here, this shit doesn't sit right with me.
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\ I didn't ask her to prove anything to me, so it's unfair that suddenly
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\ I have to do it. I'm also not that hot on exams in general, I am what I am,
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\ take it or leave it. What do I do if she doesn't take me though? A life
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\ of anti-depressants does not sound that exciting, I agree with Foxy here.
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We arrive at her place, I guess, and now I stand near the entrance, while she's
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\ busy with something. The light is soft and warm, the room looks minimalistic
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\ but appealing. This must be her home office of sorts, I see displays on a table,
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\ nothing on them, and a keyboard, and an office chair. Em is back, and she stands
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\ in front of me, looking serious.
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"I had to maintain my noblesse oblige before them, but I can drop the act now.
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\ Mute, I'm not rejecting you. This is the one thing I want to make absolutely clear,
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\ I'm not. At the same time I can't accept your consent for life-long relationship
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\ of this sort before it's completely, unquestionably established beyond any doubt
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\ you know what you're asking for, and I don't think you do. You don't ask me
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\ to marry you, you ask me to take away your freedom and make it so you won't be able
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\ to get it back should you change your mind later. This is a commitment for me
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\ as large as it is for you. I refuse to enjoy myself at your expense. If you are
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\ unhappy later, that would make two of us, and there will be no way out, because
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\ I will make sure there is no way out to the best of my ability, because it's what
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\ you ask me to do."
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I know it's a risk, but what are my options? Not do it? And then what?
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"It's hard to say this without being off-putting, please don't take it
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\ the wrong way." -- she sighs -- "Let's start small, okay? What I see is right now
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\ you don't want anything at all from me, you're mad at me, upset and angry, and
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\ I understand, and this is exactly what I'm talking about. You have to trust me
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\ two hundred percent, you have to know at all times that what I decide is the right
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\ thing to do, period. If I say you're not ready it means you aren't, and if
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\ it doesn't mean that, than it means it even more. It came out convoluted, sorry."
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No, I understand. This is what I lack, I have to submit to rejection of my submission,
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\ but there's a problem here.
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"If I lock you up now, it would be the exact bad thing I don't ever want to do.
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\ Take your time, leave if you want. I'll be here, I'll wait for you. When you
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\ feel ready, make it clear to me, and we'll start. Small. And then..." --
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\ she points her finger at me -- "we'll see where it gets us."
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I'm not upset or mad or angry at you, Em. I need someone to hug me and tell me
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\ that everything is going to be okay. I'm sad and tired again, I don't want
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\ to leave, I want to lie down. I take my phone out.
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> Where do I sleep?
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"Anywhere you want. If you want your own bed, take mine. I mean I only have one
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\ and if you don't want us sleeping together it's fine."
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I take off my boots and socks and leave them by the door. The floor isn't cold,
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\ I can stay barefoot here. How much energy does it take to heat the complex,
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\ including the floors, how much work did it take to build it, to keep it
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\ maintained, and for what? What is it that this organization does? From my
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\ point of view everything happens here just to make me feel alright. Where do
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\ they get their coffee from? Does the future have infinite energy and matter
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\ sythesizers? An unbelievable pocket of advanced civilization deep underground
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\ in the midst of post-apocalypse, a concrete and plastic Noah's Ark, still
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\ afloat through a new flood, picking up stranded survivors.
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I feel like I should repent. I'm not religious if that wasn't already completely
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\ clear, but this last metaphor begs for a larger narrative. Isn't pride one of
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\ the deadly seven? Everyone around wishes me nothing but good, and if I weren't
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\ such a submissive bondage slut there would be no reasons for me not to be
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\ relaxed, chill, at ease, content, even happy. Living comfortably among friends,
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\ realizing my potential in life, helping others, doing a job I'm good at, to my
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\ own satisfaction, finding myself a significant other and living happily ever
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\ after, isn't this a success story everyone takes aim at? That does sound nice,
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\ but I need something more, and now my pride stands in the way. Fuck that.
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Em is sitting on a chair, looking at me, her face serious but soft. I walk
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\ towards her, take my phone out and turn it off before her, it's a symbolic
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\ gesture, she has to see it. I put the phone on a table, kneel before her and
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\ drop my head. I hope I made myself clear enough.
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"Noted. Now stand up." -- I do -- "Follow me."
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There's another room with a double bed in it. Em lies down and pats the bed,
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\ I lie beside her. Is there something I need to be doing? This is a bit
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\ awkward, for all my insistence I don't really know now to be a good sub,
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\ all my experience only applies to my own imagination. Em gets closer to me
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\ and hugs me tight, and strokes me, and hugs me again. Is this the first time
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\ she made contact? I can't remember, but it may actually be.
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"I will be harsh and even cruel sometimes." -- she whispers into my ear --
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\ "I'd like to not be, but I know I will. But I'm not evil, at least I don't
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\ consider myself that. I'm not you and I'm not Old Man, I will hurt you, but
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\ I won't harm you, I'll protect you until my last breath, whatever it takes.
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\ Foxy is correct, my moral differs from yours but it's there and it's strong.
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\ I know you, but you don't know me and you have to make sure that our morals
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\ are compatible. You can take pain, but you can't take injustice. Before you
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\ give away your freedom you should use it to object to anything you find...
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\ objectionable. Promise me you will not stay silent. Get it? Silent?"
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Yeah, I get it. At least we are compatible in one way already.
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"I'm not giving you orders, we start small. And I'm not locking you up yet.
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\ I just suggest you keep your arms behind your back if you don't have any
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\ better use for them. Not now, now you'll just be uncomfortable. Now stay
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\ here with me and let me be delicate and caring, I don't have a chance
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\ at that very often."
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She continues to hug me, we are both on the bed, dressed, side by side.
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"Everything will be okay, Mute."
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This is not the first time she's reading my thoughts, but it's still
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\ surprising. I'm inclined to believe her. I know it's what you say in any
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\ situation, especially when everything is going to hell, but this time it's
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\ different. Em will bend reality, travel back in time, jump between all
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\ the parallel universes if need be, but she WILL make everything okay,
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\ at least for me. And by extension for us, I hope. Us. This opens another
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\ can of worms. Are we "us", can we ever become "us"? Will I be okay if we
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\ won't be "us"? I mean what I ask for doesn't really include any "us", and
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\ I didn't really request it at any time. She can be just my owner, exactly
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\ as I was asking for, that doesn't make "us" in my book. It may even be
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\ functionally indistinguishable, and I can't formulate a good definition,
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\ it's just something to worry about. Good job, Mute.
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"I'll go away for some time, stay in the bed. Maybe lose the suit, see for
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\ yourself. Again, no orders for now, just suggestions."
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She fiddles with her phone and suddenly the music starts to play. I know
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\ what it is, but I'm not telling you, my imaginary listener. I wonder
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\ whether she knows I like it, especially now, it fits my mood very well.
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\ Does she like it herself? Is there new music in the future or did the
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\ world end put a stop to the avalanche of recorded creativity? Em's off,
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\ and I might as well heed her advice. I take off the catsuit and get
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\ under the blanket and lay on my stomach and put my arms behind my back.
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Is it a coincidence that I like this album? Does Em like it too or did she
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\ choose the music for me? How does she know what I like? This goes beyond
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\ reading thoughts, I didn't think about any of this since way back when.
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\ This looks so alien I didn't try to analyze it and I still don't even know
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\ where to start. Am I sleeping? Am I in simulation? How do I confirm? As far
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\ as I remember this is an unfalsifiable theory so this is not a start, this
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\ is a stop.
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I try to remember all the facts about me Em shouldn't know but does. Some
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\ of them might really be just luck, others are definite. First track ends
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\ and another one starts. Oh, so this is not an album, it's a mixtape. Well,
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\ I like this one too. I guess she might somehow have been able to get her
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\ hands on my online footprint from fourty years ago... How do I know it's
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\ really been fourty years? I can't independently verify any presupposition,
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\ so it's hard to go on, too many question marks. For all I know I might be
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\ an android... wait... gynoid? Anyway, with generated memories...
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This is a scary thought. Maybe I shouldn't go into that, I'm not ready to
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\ play the terminator just yet. You know, the thing with the arm. Another
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\ track, three for three so far. Let's just relax and listen to the music.
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\ Why is it even important to me: the story of this place, of myself, of the
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\ world? I'm about to give up an independent existence anyway, shouldn't I
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\ be ready to stop thinking for myself? What is it that I'm giving up,
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\ exactly? Something I have, but don't use, something that keeps me down
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\ instead of providing tools for... yeah, persuit of happiness? I fear that
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\ I'm not giving something up, I'm just giving up, and I shouldn't.
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"I will go down with the ship" and all that? "There will be no white flag
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\ above my door"? "I'm in love and always will be"? That last one feels out
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\ of place. Am I in love with Em? Not really, no. But if I were to be,
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\ it's not surrendering, it's the opposite, it's where the enemy is
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\ thoroughly routed and we take Manhatten, Berlin, and every other place.
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\ What, the enemy? Adult life. Human condition.
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I ponder for a while. Next track, four for four. I don't have a coherent
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\ thought now, I'm just laying down on someone else's bed, SOMEWHERE.
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\ Then a line from the song hits me hard. "Would you raise your head if it
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\ was kept down low?"
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...
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Fucking hell, I can't even be a proper submissive bondage slut as it turns
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\ out, because I would. Fuck me, I would. No point prolonging this charade,
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\ I turn around, I want to get up and leave. Em is here, standing near the
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\ bed, looking at me. Half of my face must have melted down, I don't think
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\ I look very pretty at the moment. Her eyes are wide, like "what the fuck
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\ is happening", like "what the fuck Mute, what now". I sit up, point to
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\ the ceiling and wave my finger in the air. How do you show "listen to the
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\ lyrics?" I can't be fucked to get creative, not now.
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I don't think she understood me, but I'll explain later, if I could first
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\ put into words my patchwork of feelings. I get out of the bed, pick up my
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\ suit and go back into the room where I left my boots, Em follows.
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"Shit, I was hoping to have a dinner with you, I brought food from the
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\ canteen." -- she sounds disappointed, maybe I don't need to leave right
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\ this second? She hands me my phone. I take it and turn it on again.
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> Sorry Em, I'm a mess, you didn't do anything wrong. Give me a minute to
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> put myself together and let's have a dinner, sure.
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"You look ready to leave, I don't want to keep you here if you don't want
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\ to be here."
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> It's a natural reaction for me to run away in any situation. You
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> shouldn't enable my unproductive behaviour.
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She looks at me, uncertain.
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"If you want to tell me what the situation is, I want to listen. Sit down
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\ on the couch, I'll be your proper host... -ess... today."
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The couch is comfortable. What do I tell her? I start typing, hoping it
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\ will somehow make sense in the end.
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> I can see myself from an outside point of view, and all I do since I
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> woke up is freaking out at everything, being hysterical and unreasonable
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> and conflicted and impulsive and a pain in the ass for everybody. And
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> I want to stop being that, but it doesn't stop, and I don't like it,
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> but I keep trying and not getting better. The situation is I'm freaking
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> out again. You are correct, I'm not ready, not for what I ask, not for
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> anything else. The song made me remember that despite all my erotic
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> fantasies I will always defy authority, no gods no masters, and it's a
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> difficult circle to square. It's also hard for me to ignore that this
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> world is not what I'm used to. I see no place for myself here and that
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> keeps me on edge all the time. Secrets don't help at all, nothing makes
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> sense, and I thought I can just let it all go, be a pony again, but...
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> I don't suppose you have a brainwashing machine and a will to use it.
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The food is served, Em sits on a chair across the table and reads my
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\ ramblings. I guess I'll take a bite or two, why not. Do I...?
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> Can we maybe get, like, drunk or anything?
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"Aw, how cute! We can, but not right away. I'll get back to you on that."
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She puts her phone down and sits in silence, thinking. Then she starts
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\ to eat, still thinking. If she knows me as much as I imagine she does,
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\ none of this should come as a surprise, how I am now is how I always
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\ have been, so it's interesting what's it she's thinking about. Would
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\ she be disappointed that I'm not going to be her thing or would she be
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\ relieved, or maybe it's something else entirely?
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"I'm not brainwashing you even if I could, like why would I do that?
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\ Instead I can offer you two things. First is a job."
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That's unexpected, I'm listening.
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"It doesn't look like much, but it's a proper job someone has to do.
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\ I could play it up... but I don't want to. We need someone to man the
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\ bunker again, now that Old Man isn't in there. Keep it tidy, keep it
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\ occupied, keep the needle in the green, don't go too far into the
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\ woods, simple. No salary, but a place to live and basic necessities
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\ covered. You'll have food and fuel supply, no need for survival shit."
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It... actually sounds cool. I nod. Em is thinking again, I guess about
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\ the second thing.
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...
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"The second thing is this. I accept your friendship gift at face value,
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\ as just a friendship gift. I'll have to be direct now, no way around
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\ it. Lace yourself up, don't touch yourself, don't come without me.
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\ I'll be visiting from time to time, be patient. Our friendship will
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\ be unique, but we are also unique, so it's fitting. I have to remind
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\ you that none of this is an order."
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Also unexpected, and slightly hot. I nod again. She produces the black
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\ ribbon from her pocket, the one I gave her, and places it in front of
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\ me. I pick it up.
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"You may start whenever you like, I'll send you all the info later. Oh,
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\ and take the stairs when you go up, and close that door behind you."
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Is it my cue to leave? Do I want to stay? I don't know what I want,
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\ really, at least choosing from available options. Does Em want me to
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\ leave? I can't tell. If I ask, she'll probably tell me again that
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\ this is my decision. Eh, whatever, it's not a big deal...
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[[I think I'll go.|next]]
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(end of page)
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