62 lines
2.3 KiB
Plaintext
62 lines
2.3 KiB
Plaintext
That cuts deep. Self-deprecating humour is one thing, being called useless
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\ by others is another entirely. I know he doesn't mean it, but still. And what
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\ if he does? Oooooh fuck that hurts. That actually, really hurts. What am I
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\ doing here? What am I doing to him? This man obviously does not want a pony,
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\ he wants a friend, he wants a wife, he wants a daughter, he needs company.
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\ Instead he gets a mute bound sex junkie that requires so much of his time.
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\ I start crying. Not because I'm hurt, but because I hurt him. There is
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\ an injustice going on and I'm the perpetrator, and I can't do anything
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\ to stop it...
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"Oh shit, Mute, what happened? Are you in pain? What can I do to help?"
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I cry harder. This man is SO KIND TO ME and what do I do? Now I get him
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\ worried? Fucking hell, just kill me already, like what the fuck Mute, you are
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SO
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HORRIBLE!
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He lifts me up and takes to bed. I need to do something, I need to explain
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\ what's happening. I get up and start writing as fast as I can.
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I A M A B A D P O N Y I N E E D R E A L P U N I S H M E N T P L E A S E
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\ D E S T R O Y M Y A S S M A K E I T G O B L A C K I D O N T L I K E
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\ M Y S E L F N O W I N E E D T O B E C O M E B E T T E R P L E A S E
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\ B E A T M E P L E A S E P L E A S E P L
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He slaps me on my cheek quite hard.
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"Mute, listen to me." -- he pulls the balaclava off -- "What you ask for
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\ will not make you better. It will make you broken. Do you want to hide under
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\ a bed every time you hear a clap? You don't. PTSD doesn't make people better.
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\ Nor ponies."
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...
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He is entirely right of course, I'm being a colossal idiot. I move
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\ with grace now. I take a step towards him, turn around and start
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\ writing slower, like a lady would.
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I s t a n d c o r r e c t e d . Y o u a r e r i g h t .
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\ W h a t m a t t e r s i s I f e e l g u i l t y a n d I d o n ' t l i k e i t ,
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\ b u t w h a t m a t t e r s m o s t i s t h a t I n e e d y o u t o l i k e m e .
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\ P l e a s e d o w h a t y o u t h i n k w i l l m a k e m e w o r t h y
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\ f o r y o u t o l i k e m e . I w a n t t o b e a b e t t e r p
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I stop for a second.
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e r s o n .
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I bow. This is not enough. I get on my knees and touch the floor with my head.
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\ Then I wait. Then I wait some more.
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"Fine."
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And I wait some more.
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"Lay on the bed, ass up. Remind yourself of what it is you feel guilty about.
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\ Feel remorse."
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[[I lay down.|next]]
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(end of page)
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