wtssts/src/mute/copy/complex/recovery/01.twee

My heart sinks. What do I do, what do I do? I can't run from her, I'm in a fucking
\ corner here! I turn around and stare into the wall. I can't look at her! All
\ I can do now is panic and pray, and panic is waving at me already.

"What are you doing Em, are you insane? Get into bed right now, you shouldn't
\ be walking around!"

"Bunny, you're a nurse, not a doctor, nor my mom. Don't tell me what I should
\ or shouldn't be doing. Anyway, I'll take it from here. Enjoy the debriefing,
\ agents."

Her sarcasm is mixed with sympathy, they are still old pals, I guess. I hear
\ clacking, sounds like agents are leaving. She's undressing. I'm shaking.
\ She wants me to stay, right? Why? Where is it you'll take it from here?
\ And... are you alright? I can't turn around, I try, but I can't. Rustling
\ from behind, she is getting into bed. Bunny was worried, should I be
\ worried too? What is she doing here?

"Go close that door, Mute. Then come back here." -- she sounds tired. I feel
\ like I need to do something very urgently, but I have no idea what it is.
\ I walk down the corridor and I push the door to the complex. Fuck it's heavy.
\ I still don't know how to open it from this side, once shut the door blends
\ into the wall very well, you have to look very closely at precisely the right
\ place to notice it at all. I slowly walk back into the bedroom, keeping
\ my head low and looking at the floor. I enter and turn towards the wall again.

"This was actually painful and hard. I had to walk the fucking stairs, Mute.
\ Bunny is right of course, I shouldn't be walking around."

I'm not sure how to react.

"Take a chair, sit down. You can watch the wall sitting down, right?"

I can. I take a chair and I sit on it, my back to her.

"First things first. Put your phone away." -- I do. -- "Put your arms behind
\ your back." -- umm... sure? -- "Good girl. Now I'll talk and you'll listen."

Is she... dominating me? Sure, I'll listen. Hit me, hit me hard.

"I was, am, and will always be honest with you. There are many things
\ I can't say, but I'm not lying or acting, I wasn't, and I won't. I can't
\ prove it, I can only give you my word, I hope you believe me. I'm not taking
\ your free will from you, you can do what you want, you can have my permission
\ to kill yourself if you need it, I can even give you a gun that works. Just
\ to set the stage."

Well, I'm not doing it right this second, but it's an option I guess.

"I could force you to do what I want, I could coerce you or mislead you, or take
\ advantage of your delicate personality or your vulnerable state. I will not do
\ any such thing. I want you to do what I want because you want it yourself...
\ Too many wants, let's try again. If you don't want something, don't do it,
\ there, I hope that's better."

Yeah, I get the idea.

"I want to be here and I want you to be here with me. Why? I could say I want
\ my pussy licked three times a day, but that would sound crass and inappropriate,
\ so I won't say it. Instead I'll say I want your help. I don't require it,
\ I don't demand it, I don't really need it, but I'm asking you to help me.
\ I'm not just honest, I'm also forthcoming, so I will additionally say that
\ I do it because I know you need someone to help, you need someone to care for,
\ and you need someone near you, and I want that someone to be me. Why? Classified."

Three times a day, huh?

"I also know that you don't want to help just anyone, you won't help bad people.
\ You'll have to decide for yourself whether I'm a bad person or not. And there's
\ one more thing: if you die, I probably die too. Details are classified
\ and unimportant, just keep this factoid in mind."

Interesting. "If you die, she said, so do I, she said..." If details are
\ unimportant, why are they classified?

"And there's another one more thing. Come here, look at me."

Fucking hell, this is the moment of truth. I get up. I slowly walk to the bed,
\ head down. I see the bed, I see her under the blanket. I take a deep breath
\ and exhale slowly. I raise my eyes.

"I'm not 28 anymore, we're retiring this character, so I can't accept your gift,
\ you'll have to offer it again, to me this time, the real me. But I do swear."

She raises her fist and points her pinky to the ceiling. What are we, five?
\ I'm pretty sure I did not send that message. Do I accept her oath? I mean,
\ why not? I lock my pinky with hers. Her face is calm, tired and cute,
\ and she still smells nice. Can I really stay? I drop my head down again.

"You can sit back for now."

I return to my chair. So she doesn't need my help, she's just giving me a chance
\ to be useful, presumably out of pity. I'm not ready yet, but maybe I'll take it.
\ Is she a bad person? Why would I think that?

"Arms. Good. So, 28 is gone, I'm sorry. I know you loved her in a bit of
\ a twisted way, maybe one day she'll come back. Do you want to know how she felt?"

If she felt okay then I do, otherwise... It may be a bad choice, but I nod anyway.

"That was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster from start to finish. She felt
\ empathy and sympathy, she felt sadness, she felt fear. The gun thing felt like
\ she's been tied to tracks and was watching a freight train coming. She felt
\ the punishment was harsh, but just, she felt her guilt going away, and she felt
\ great relief for that reason. She also felt your guilt coming in and she felt
\ you don't deserve it. Regarding free will stuff... Mute, I'm really not into
\ bondage and sumbission when I'm on the receiving end, so she didn't enjoy it.
\ However she felt it was a rare chance at learning, walking in the shoes
\ of the other. Overall she felt her time in suspension was intense and instructive,
\ and she felt greatful towards you for it. Let me stress this, she felt
\ is was much, much more fulfilling than just having fun with dildoes.
\ She also felt a very strong bond forming between her and you."

I exhale. Did I forget to breath? I guess one thing to take away would be
\ she isn't mad at me.

"Let's deal with your shit. I'm sorry, I have respect for your strict moral code,
\ but at this point it's both ridiculous and unhealthy. It's like you cut yourself
\ with a knife for stealing a penny, but the hilarious part is the penny was yours
\ all along. Do you really think you've done me harm? This is a serious question,
\ answer it."

Her tone is very dismissive. I can see why. I nod.

"Mute, you don't know me. 28 was real, but is was a tiny part of what I am,
\ and I intend to show you my other sides. Like I said, it was intense,
\ but not much more. Before you start your shtick about being useless,
\ I need warmth, food, water, toilet and entertainment. I'm gonna be
\ your Mute, and you're gonna be my Old Man, I think you can do it."

I mean, it doesn't sound impossible. Entertainment? Three times a day, huh?

"Don't worry about him, he's gonna be alright. He can't join us here, he's got
\ things to do, but I'm sure he's gonna keep you posted. By the way, remember
\ monster shit? What did you feel when he was ready to break down?
\ That's exactly the same situation now, I'm sure you can see the irony."

Yeah, I remember. I was feeling helpless to explain to him that he was
\ completely wrong to worry about the thing. But it's totally different now!

"You're probably thinking oh my god, consent! Oh my god, safeword! Drop monster
\ shit Mute, you did everything, you went completely out of your way
\ to absolutely ensure my safety at all times, don't think I didn't notice."

Still!

"If you insist on feeling guilty I don't see how I can stop you,
\ but I'm here to tell you what a moron you are for doing so."

She doesn't sound confrontational, she sounds tired.

"Oh, you probably think I gave you the order and agents to quote punish quote
\ myself, don't you? Here's the kicker: I didn't. I was being punished, for real,
\ for real real, and you don't punish someone with their consent and a safeword,
\ do you? Imagine if it weren't you in charge. You probably can't, but let me
\ tell you I wouldn't be this calm now. You've been given an order you weren't
\ qualified to execute, but somehow you've managed to stumble into the exact
\ right choices, from my point of view. I'd vote for your promotion if only you
\ weren't such a sub."

Yeah, I remember she was telling this to agents before.

"Oh yeah Mute, you are not a switch if you're wondering. Please don't dom anyone
\ again, you're so very bad at it. The first thing about it is you have to get
\ direct pleasure from taking control, from smacking that ass hard. At least
\ it's my experience, not sure what science says on the topic. You clearly can't
\ stand the thought of inflicting pain on others or of making someone submit.
\ You can only do it under pressure, it's not nearly good enough.
\ You'll kill yourself for real next time, don't even try."

Maybe I'll still kill myself this time!

...

Nah, I won't. She made her point, my guilt's been going away for a while already.
\ There's still some room for doubt, she may have been saying all this precisely
\ to make me feel this way, but... I believe her, I do. I think I can turn
\ towards her now.

"Though I will say you are creative. This piggy thing I might steal from you
\ outright, it's brilliant. I think that should be everything covered.
\ Take your time, I'm not going anywhere. Oh, you may use your arms again.
\ Jesus, Mute, I've never seen anyone like you. I didn't mean to give you orders,
\ I'm not gonna dom you come on, look at me, I've got a fucking hole in my guts,
\ I can't do much more than just talk to you until I recover. Then we'll see."

I don't hear anger in her voice, so I'm not going to interpret this as
\ an accusation of having some character flaws. We'll see indeed. I pick up
\ my phone, I have questions.

"How should I call you?"

"An agent formerly known as former agent Mistress is somehow too long for you?
\ Call me however you want of course, you'll never guess my real name anyway!"

I hear playfulness. It's time. I stand up and turn the chair around so I can sit
\ facing her. The wall was a real blockbuster, but I guess I have a job now.
\ Do I play the guessing game? How do I want to call her? Mistress? She made it
\ clear she wouldn't appreciate it, she is not my mistress.

"Em?"

"I mean I can't confirm or deny whether it's my real name or not, but yes,
\ friends call me Em."

The implications are clear, I can call you Em if I think you're my friend.

"Are we friends?"

"Classified, Mute."

> I want to be friends.

I mean I do, but I delete the line. And I guess the proper way to offer friendship
\ is already established, when the time is right. Let's ask something different.

"Would you object if I call you Em?"

"No, go ahead."

"Are you in danger?"

"Not really I don't think. If I develop anything serious it's not your
\ responsibility to play doctor, come on, help is minutes away. Don't worry about it."

"Why did 28 cry?"

"I already told you, because she was helpless to stop you from suffering physical
\ and mental pain that was unnecessary, unjust and unfair. Why did you cry
\ in the bunker? I mean I don't know for sure but I expect mostly similar reasons."

What else do I need an answer for? Why did she walk here? I know that, because
\ she cares about me. Why me? Classified. Well, I have one last question for now.

"Three times a day, huh?"

"Hey, I could say it, but I didn't, remember?"