wtssts/src/mute/copy/complex/mistress/02.twee

We go in silence. I don't know about this. I need time to analyze what's happening,
\ but once again I haven't been given time, I've been given an order. I fully
\ appreciate I don't have to follow it, or follow her, I just... Fucking hell.
\ So I'm not ready yet, huh? What is it that I lack, do I need even more submission
\ towards her? How is it that I prove my readiness? What sort of an exam I have
\ to pass? And do I want to enter a relationship that requires me to pass exams?
\ No, not really. That's the problem here, this shit doesn't sit right with me.
\ I didn't ask her to prove anything to me, so it's unfair that suddenly
\ I have to do it. I'm also not that hot on exams in general, I am what I am,
\ take it or leave it. What do I do if she doesn't take me though? A life
\ of anti-depressants does not sound that exciting, I agree with Foxy here.

We arrive at her place, I guess, and now I stand near the entrance, while she's
\ busy with something. The light is soft and warm, the room looks minimalistic
\ but appealing. This must be her home office of sorts, I see displays on a table,
\ nothing on them, and a keyboard, and an office chair. Em is back, and she stands
\ in front of me, looking serious.

"I had to maintain my noblesse oblige before them, but I can drop the act now.
\ Mute, I'm not rejecting you. This is the one thing I want to make absolutely clear,
\ I'm not. At the same time I can't accept your consent for life-long relationship
\ of this sort before it's completely, unquestionably established beyond any doubt
\ you know what you're asking for, and I don't think you do. You don't ask me
\ to marry you, you ask me to take away your freedom and make it so you won't be able
\ to get it back should you change your mind later. This is a commitment for me
\ as large as it is for you. I refuse to enjoy myself at your expense. If you are
\ unhappy later, that would make two of us, and there will be no way out, because
\ I will make sure there is no way out to the best of my ability, because it's what
\ you ask me to do."

I know it's a risk, but what are my options? Not do it? And then what?

"It's hard to say this without being off-putting, please don't take it
\ the wrong way." -- she sighs -- "Let's start small, okay? What I see is right now
\ you don't want anything at all from me, you're mad at me, upset and angry, and
\ I understand, and this is exactly what I'm talking about. You have to trust me
\ two hundred percent, you have to know at all times that what I decide is the right
\ thing to do, period. If I say you're not ready it means you aren't, and if
\ it doesn't mean that, than it means it even more. It came out convoluted, sorry."

No, I understand. This is what I lack, I have to submit to rejection of my submission,
\ but there's a problem here.

"If I lock you up now, it would be the exact bad thing I don't ever want to do.
\ Take your time, leave if you want. I'll be here, I'll wait for you. When you
\ feel ready, make it clear to me, and we'll start. Small. And then..." --
\ she points her finger at me -- "we'll see where it gets us."

I'm not upset or mad or angry at you, Em. I need someone to hug me and tell me
\ that everything is going to be okay. I'm sad and tired again, I don't want
\ to leave, I want to lie down. I take my phone out.

> Where do I sleep?

"Anywhere you want. If you want your own bed, take mine. I mean I only have one
\ and if you don't want us sleeping together it's fine."

I take off my boots and socks and leave them by the door. The floor isn't cold,
\ I can stay barefoot here. How much energy does it take to heat the complex,
\ including the floors, how much work did it take to build it, to keep it
\ maintained, and for what? What is it that this organization does? From my
\ point of view everything happens here just to make me feel alright. Where do
\ they get their coffee from? Does the future have infinite energy and matter
\ sythesizers? An unbelievable pocket of advanced civilization deep underground
\ in the midst of post-apocalypse, a concrete and plastic Noah's Ark, still
\ afloat through a new flood, picking up stranded survivors.

I feel like I should repent. I'm not religious if that wasn't already completely
\ clear, but this last metaphor begs for a larger narrative. Isn't pride one of
\ the deadly seven? Everyone around wishes me nothing but good, and if I weren't
\ such a submissive bondage slut there would be no reasons for me not to be
\ relaxed, chill, at ease, content, even happy. Living comfortably among friends,
\ realizing my potential in life, helping others, doing a job I'm good at, to my
\ own satisfaction, finding myself a significant other and living happily ever
\ after, isn't this a success story everyone takes aim at? That does sound nice,
\ but I need something more, and now my pride stands in the way. Fuck that.

Em is sitting on a chair, looking at me, her face serious but soft. I walk
\ towards her, take my phone out and turn it off before her, it's a symbolic
\ gesture, she has to see it. I put the phone on a table, kneel before her and
\ drop my head. I hope I made myself clear enough.

"Noted. Now stand up." -- I do -- "Follow me."

There's another room with a double bed in it. Em lies down and pats the bed,
\ I lie beside her. Is there something I need to be doing? This is a bit
\ awkward, for all my insistence I don't really know now to be a good sub,
\ all my experience only applies to my own imagination. Em gets closer to me
\ and hugs me tight, and strokes me, and hugs me again. Is this the first time
\ she made contact? I can't remember, but it may actually be.

"I will be harsh and even cruel sometimes." -- she whispers into my ear --
\ "I'd like to not be, but I know I will. But I'm not evil, at least I don't
\ consider myself that. I'm not you and I'm not Old Man, I will hurt you, but
\ I won't harm you, I'll protect you until my last breath, whatever it takes.
\ Foxy is correct, my moral differs from yours but it's there and it's strong.
\ I know you, but you don't know me and you have to make sure that our morals
\ are compatible. You can take pain, but you can't take injustice. Before you
\ give away your freedom you should use it to object to anything you find...
\ objectionable. Promise me you will not stay silent. Get it? Silent?"

Yeah, I get it. At least we are compatible in one way already.

"I'm not giving you orders, we start small. And I'm not locking you up yet.
\ I just suggest you keep your arms behind your back if you don't have any
\ better use for them. Not now, now you'll just be uncomfortable. Now stay
\ here with me and let me be delicate and caring, I don't have a chance
\ at that very often."

She continues to hug me, we are both on the bed, dressed, side by side.

"Everything will be okay, Mute."

This is not the first time she's reading my thoughts, but it's still
\ surprising. I'm inclined to believe her. I know it's what you say in any
\ situation, especially when everything is going to hell, but this time it's
\ different. Em will bend reality, travel back in time, jump between all
\ the parallel universes if need be, but she WILL make everything okay,
\ at least for me. And by extension for us, I hope. Us. This opens another
\ can of worms. Are we "us", can we ever become "us"? Will I be okay if we
\ won't be "us"? I mean what I ask for doesn't really include any "us", and
\ I didn't really request it at any time. She can be just my owner, exactly
\ as I was asking for, that doesn't make "us" in my book. It may even be
\ functionally indistinguishable, and I can't formulate a good definition,
\ it's just something to worry about. Good job, Mute.

"I'll go away for some time, stay in the bed. Maybe lose the suit, see for
\ yourself. Again, no orders for now, just suggestions."

She fiddles with her phone and suddenly the music starts to play. I know
\ what it is, but I'm not telling you, my imaginary listener. I wonder
\ whether she knows I like it, especially now, it fits my mood very well.
\ Does she like it herself? Is there new music in the future or did the
\ world end put a stop to the avalanche of recorded creativity? Em's off,
\ and I might as well heed her advice. I take off the catsuit and get
\ under the blanket and lay on my stomach and put my arms behind my back.

Is it a coincidence that I like this album? Does Em like it too or did she
\ choose the music for me? How does she know what I like? This goes beyond
\ reading thoughts, I didn't think about any of this since way back when.
\ This looks so alien I didn't try to analyze it and I still don't even know
\ where to start. Am I sleeping? Am I in simulation? How do I confirm? As far
\ as I remember this is an unfalsifiable theory so this is not a start, this
\ is a stop.

I try to remember all the facts about me Em shouldn't know but does. Some
\ of them might really be just luck, others are definite. First track ends
\ and another one starts. Oh, so this is not an album, it's a mixtape. Well,
\ I like this one too. I guess she might somehow have been able to get her
\ hands on my online footprint from fourty years ago... How do I know it's
\ really been fourty years? I can't independently verify any presupposition,
\ so it's hard to go on, too many question marks. For all I know I might be
\ an android... wait... gynoid? Anyway, with generated memories...

This is a scary thought. Maybe I shouldn't go into that, I'm not ready to
\ play the terminator just yet. You know, the thing with the arm. Another
\ track, three for three so far. Let's just relax and listen to the music.
\ Why is it even important to me: the story of this place, of myself, of the
\ world? I'm about to give up an independent existence anyway, shouldn't I
\ be ready to stop thinking for myself? What is it that I'm giving up,
\ exactly? Something I have, but don't use, something that keeps me down
\ instead of providing tools for... yeah, persuit of happiness? I fear that
\ I'm not giving something up, I'm just giving up, and I shouldn't.

"I will go down with the ship" and all that? "There will be no white flag
\ above my door"? "I'm in love and always will be"? That last one feels out
\ of place. Am I in love with Em? Not really, no. But if I were to be,
\ it's not surrendering, it's the opposite, it's where the enemy is
\ thoroughly routed and we take Manhatten, Berlin, and every other place.
\ What, the enemy? Adult life. Human condition.

I ponder for a while. Next track, four for four. I don't have a coherent
\ thought now, I'm just laying down on someone else's bed, SOMEWHERE.
\ Then a line from the song hits me hard. "Would you raise your head if it
\ was forced down low?"

...

Fucking hell, I can't even be a proper submissive bondage slut as it turns
\ out, because I would. Fuck me, I would. No point prolonging this charade,
\ I turn around, I want to get up and leave. Em is here, standing near the
\ bed, looking at me. Half of my face must have melted down, I don't think
\ I look very pretty at the moment. Her eyes are wide, like "what the fuck
\ is happening", like "what the fuck Mute, what now". I sit up, point to
\ the ceiling and wave my finger in the air. How do you show "listen to the
\ lyrics?" I can't be fucked to get creative, not now.

I don't think she understood me, but I'll explain later, if I could first
\ put into words my patchwork of feelings. I get out of the bed, pick up my
\ suit and go back into the room where I left my boots, Em follows.

"Shit, I was hoping to have a dinner with you, I brought food from the
\ canteen." -- she sounds disappointed, maybe I don't need to leave right
\ this second? She hands me my phone. I take it and turn it on again.

> Sorry Em, I'm a mess, you didn't do anything wrong. Give me a minute to
> put myself together and let's have a dinner, sure.

"You look ready to leave, I don't want to keep you here if you don't want
\ to be here."

> It's a natural reaction for me to run away in any situation. You
> shouldn't enable my unproductive behaviour.

She looks at me, uncertain.

"If you want to tell me what the situation is, I want to listen. Sit down
\ on the couch, I'll be your proper host... -ess... today."

The couch is comfortable. What do I tell her? I start typing, hoping it
\ will somehow make sense in the end.

> I can see myself from an outside point of view, and all I do since I
> woke up is freaking out at everything, being hysterical and unreasonable
> and conflicted and impulsive and a pain in the ass for everybody. And
> I want to stop being that, but it doesn't stop, and I don't like it,
> but I keep trying and not getting better. The situation is I'm freaking
> out again. You are correct, I'm not ready, not for what I ask, not for
> anything else. The song made me remember that despite all my erotic
> fantasies I will always defy authority, no gods no masters, and it's a
> difficult circle to square. It's also hard for me to ignore that this
> world is not what I'm used to. I see no place for myself here and that
> keeps me on edge all the time. Secrets don't help at all, nothing makes
> sense, and I thought I can just let it all go, be a pony again, but...
> I don't suppose you have a brainwashing machine and a will to use it.

The food is served, Em sits on a chair across the table and reads my
\ ramblings. I guess I'll take a bite or two, why not. Do I...?

> Can we maybe get, like, drunk or anything?

"Aw, how cute! We can, but not right away. I'll get back to you on that."

She puts her phone down and sits in silence, thinking. Then she starts
\ to eat, still thinking. If she knows me as much as I imagine she does,
\ none of this should come as a surprise, how I am now is how I always
\ have been, so it's interesting what's it she's thinking about. Would
\ she be disappointed that I'm not going to be her thing or would she be
\ relieved, or maybe it's something else entirely?

"I'm not brainwashing you even if I could, like why would I do that?
\ Instead I can offer you two things. First is a job."

That's unexpected, I'm listening.

"It doesn't look like much, but it's a proper job someone has to do.
\ I could play it up... but I don't want to. We need someone to man the
\ bunker again, now that Old Man isn't in there. Keep it tidy, keep it
\ occupied, keep the needle in the green, don't go too far into the
\ woods, simple. No salary, but a place to live and basic necessities
\ covered. You'll have food and fuel supply, no need for survival shit."

It... actually sounds cool. I nod. Em is thinking again, I guess about
\ the second thing.

...

"The second thing is this. I accept your friendship gift at face value,
\ as just a friendship gift. I'll have to be direct now, no way around
\ it. Lace yourself up, don't touch yourself, don't come without me.
\ I'll be visiting from time to time, be patient. Our friendship will
\ be unique, but we are also unique, so it's fitting. I have to remind
\ you that none of this is an order."

Also unexpected, and slightly hot. I nod again. She produces the black
\ ribbon from her pocket, the one I gave her, and places it in front of
\ me. I pick it up.

"You may start whenever you like, I'll send you all the info later. Oh,
\ and take the stairs when you go up, and close that door behind you."

Is it my cue to leave? Do I want to stay? I don't know what I want,
\ really, at least choosing from available options. Does Em want me to
\ leave? I can't tell. If I ask, she'll probably tell me again that
\ this is my decision. Eh, whatever, it's not a big deal...

[[I think I'll go.|next]]

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