wtssts/src/mute/copy/complex/mistress/04.twee

Why is she doing it? Obviously she won't just take one out and leave the others,
\ right? Like why would you do it? She's taking them all out, why? I like them,
\ I want them there, this is unfair, I didn't ask for this, I didn't allow this,
\ Stop, stop, STOP! Put them back and get your hands off of me! I want 28 back,
\ she wouldn't do this, she would keep her promise, I know she would...

"Something's wrong here. Like it might hurt a bit, but it shouldn't..."

At fucking last! She stops undoing the flarings, with pliers I guess, and sits
\ silent, maybe thinking about something. Then she gets off the bed and walks
\ towards my head and looks me in the eyes.

"Do you think I don't remember what I've sworn to you?"

Well maybe you did forget, but now it came back.

"Answer me."

How else should I interpret what's happening? You told me you won't take them
\ out, but now you are taking them out, I mean what do you want me to say?

"ANSWER ME!"

She looks... scary, I nod instinctively. She takes a few steps back, I continue
\ watching the low ceiling. She keeps silent for a few seconds, then starts
\ talking, in low voice that doesn't imply anything good.

"This is unacceptable. To think that I would break a promise, no, an oath, just
\ like that, gratuitously, willy-nilly, me, an agent, would be bad enough. But
\ to think that I would under any circumstances break an oath TO YOU! TO YOU!!!
\ WHO DO YOU THINK I AM, MUTE?! Obviously you think I am some sort of an..."

She stops and abandons the sentence, but I get the gist. I don't think you're
\ any sort of anything, but what do you want me to do with the facts, huh?
\ Again, you did what you told me you wouldn't do, and now you're what, blaming
\ me that I dared to think of it as what it clearly is?

"I want to hit something. I feel hurt. By you. Unjustly."

How is this unjust to you? What the fuck, lady?

"You are correct in the most banal, technical, uninteresting sense. This cheap
\ shit will be completely rusted in a year, and even now it looks like cheap
\ shit, and it's supposed to be a part of me inside of you, isn't it? I wanted
\ to replace it with something much better, but maybe you are right after all.
\ Maybe you do want your cunt decorated with rusty blobs, in memory of someone
\ who only ever existed in your own fantasy world. This is gonna hurt again."

I feel like what's happening has significance, I may have to give it some
\ thought later. Em mounts the bed again and puts the eyelet back, and it does
\ hurt, but not catastrophically, and not for long. She fiddles with the pliers
\ once more to restore the flarings, and it honestly doesn't hurt all that much,
\ for all her angry talk I'm sure she is being careful still. So... What now?
\ I don't want to play anymore, I want to be alone again. I guess in some ways
\ I do have my wish granted, don't I? She made me feel very good, and now I
\ have zero interest in masturbation, all that without actually having an
\ orgasm that I was sure is coming and that I was looking forward to, so much.

"I'll be back."

She goes out with me still bound to the bed, and I'd really prefer not to be.
\ There are two Mutes, one is horny and the other is not, and they are very
\ different in many ways, and I was the one and now I'm the other, and I feel
\ uncomfortable and silly and vulnerable, and it doesn't feel good. And what
\ am I supposed to do with this? Am I still considering becoming Em's object?
\ Do I hope to be the first Mute all the time, like ALL THE TIME? What happens
\ if I become the second Mute, still being bound by decisions made by the first
\ Mute? Like I wake up one day like this and what do I think, what do I do?
\ And what would make the second Mute happy? NOTHING? Being alive is hard work,
\ unforgiving and unrewarding, and by the way, that's me having it easy.
\ I haven't yet met one person who'd try to take advantage of me or force me
\ into anything I wouldn't like, everyone is very kind and supportive, and I
\ still can't find my place in life, can't even...

"I apologize. I admit there's my share of being at fault here. I realize I
\ sometimes behave over the top, irrational and... unconstructive. Having said
\ that, I still want to punish you."

Punish me? What for? Em is going though the box again, is she looking for like
\ a flogger or something? In order to be in the mood again I first need to stop
\ focusing on how bad I feel at the moment, and it's gonna take some time. I
\ mean, sure, go ahead if you want to, I'm just not going to enjoy this, if you
\ find it important for some reason, and I won't correct my behaviour, because
\ I have no idea what is it that I did wrong. I'm just going to be even more
\ miserable, whatever.

She's lacing me up again, then she unties my legs and the jacket and the hook
\ from the bed, and pulls me up so I sit, and then gestures me to stand up.
\ I do. I don't really care. A stream of saliva is running down my chest,
\ someone might find it attractive. She rotates her finger in the air and I
\ turn around. She gets behind me and ties the hook to the collar of the
\ jacket, I guess she doesn't want to take it out yet. Then she goes out again
\ and I don't. I don't really want anything now, I don't care what's happening
\ or what will happen, I'd run away if I could... or maybe I don't care enough
\ even to run away. I know I'm overreacting again, no recent event should
\ have made me feel this way, but something did, and now I do feel this way,
\ and what are you supposed to do now, that you already have these emotions?
\ Just wait, I guess, sooner or later something else is going to happen and
\ I'll like it, and then something else will happen and I will be depressed,
\ and again, and again, and on, and on. Is it normal? I don't know. At least
\ if I were insane Foxy would have told me I hope. She did say I need help
\ that one time, maybe I do, but her help would be a life of antidepressants,
\ and I don't know about that.

Em is back, she ties something else to the collar and tugs on it, and then
\ she manipulates me to turn me around, but not on the spot, rather over a
\ large circle, like it's she who's turning around, having something long in
\ her hands... Did she take a broom and is using it as some sort of a handle?
\ She pushes me forward and I start walking out of the bedroom and towards the
\ secret door. Well, that's gonna look silly, like that's a picture people in
\ the complex will have to react to, like imagine seeing THAT. You're on your
\ way to meet Sheila for coffee again, and now you see that young female
\ colonel, with a ring gag, with eyelets in her pussy, like it's a boot or
\ something, in a straitjacket, being pushed forward by an agent, using a
\ broom... That's gonna make your day for sure. Forget day, you'll keep
\ remembering it until your dying breath or maybe there's something very
\ important nobody told me about this complex, if that's something you just
\ don't notice, like a printer in your office or your wife's new hairstyle.

"No, this is stupid."

She removes the broom and stands it against the wall.

"If you fall, I'll catch you. We're going to my place, I'll give directions.
\ Elevator. Stop. Turn around, come to me."

We are beyond the door now, and she takes a moment to close it. The gag is
\ really uncomfortable, nearly painful now, and I drool much more than usual.

"If I had a dick, it would be extremely hard, that's how sexy you look." --
\ Um, thanks? I'm not in the mood at the moment, sorry. -- "Now, elevator."
\ -- We go inside, she closes the door and pushes the button. -- "I know you're
\ in pain. I want it to go away, but before it gets better it has to get worse.
\ I sound like I have a plan, but I actually don't, I may have a premonition
\ and I hope it will work out. While we walk I'll tell you something, please
\ listen. Do you still think we're friends?" -- I mean... ... I nod. --
\ "Good, so this is not an order, and I'm not your dom. I'm your friend, and
\ I'm asking for a favour."

She takes a moment to collect her thoughts.

"Asking for informed consent is what you usually do. You know that and I know
\ that and I know you've given it some thought and I've also given it some
\ thought, and this is where I am now -- sometimes you don't. I'm not talking
\ about torture or court orders or war or any of that. I mean sometimes the
\ mere act of giving consent invalidates the thing you are consenting to. I'm
\ sure you understand, this is what you ask me to do, to remove your right to
\ consent in order to experience life without it. Some other times consent
\ can't be meaningfully given at all, so either you do what's needed without
\ it, or you walk away because you are afraid like a little pussy. Well, I'm
\ not afraid. I can take responsibility. I'll do what I believe you need. I'll
\ make decisions for you, and if you don't like the result, I'll make it right
\ by you in whatever way you choose. I'm aware it's a problematic position."

We're walking the corridors again, I'm not trying to navigate, I'm just walking
\ forward, making turns when Em wants me to. This is an interesting topic, but
\ I'm not ready to comment yet, and she's not asking for my opinion anyway.

"You see, I share your mayday reaction, and I think you should have sent it out
\ a long time ago, but you don't want to inconvenience people around you to
\ come and rescue you, and I think you're wrong. When you are ready to rescue
\ others, at the same time you have to give others a chance to rescue you too."

She does make sense, it would be fair. I think I would send a mayday if my life
\ was in an objective immediate danger. Objective. Immediate. Life. You're
\ talking about my emotions, come on, my feelings, this is not something you
\ request a rescue team to help you with. Mayday mayday mayday Mute Classified
\ is feeling down mayday mayday mayday requesting a friend to talk to mayday
\ mayday mayday having a bit of an emotional wreck mayday mayday mayday. Nope.

"None of this has anything to do with getting back at you for your assignment.
\ I'm trying to help my friend here, all right? One other thing." -- She
\ collects her thoughts again. -- "Most of the time none of us knows what we
\ want anyway. All we want is someone to love and everything to be okay. And
\ I promise, everything will be okay, Mute."

You know what, it's hard being emotional with a large ring gag in your mouth.
\ She'll have to tell me this again, later, when we cuddle in bed or something.
\ Someone to love would be nice though. And for that someone to love me back
\ would be even nicer.

"Sometimes you want something, but later you wish you didn't do it, sometimes
\ you don't want something, but later you regret not doing it. Sometimes you
\ submit to pressure, and later you actually like what you're doing. Sometimes
\ you pressure others to do something you no longer find all that great. Most
\ importantly if you regret your own decisions, that regret will poison you for
\ the rest of your life, especially if you blame yourself for other people's
\ unsatisfaction, real or otherwise, but if the fault was not yours... Well,
\ in your case you somehow find a way to make it yours anyway, but normally
\ you can let it go much easier, get over it and get back to being all right.
\ You -- you, Mute -- tend to forgive others, but not yourself. For the most
\ trivial shit, like being late for dinner, you will act like you're a war
\ criminal, and it's seriously unhealthy. Especially considering that real
\ war criminals tend to not feel guilty at all. I don't know why I'm telling
\ you all this, maybe I want you to know my thoughts is all."

She doesn't tell me anything else, and I don't have a coherent thought, rather
\ some loose associations and blurry images of distant things, unlikely events
\ and undefined people. It's interesting to have placeholders in your own
\ visualizations, like this is, like, a person. Any person. Could be you.

We walk and walk and walk and then [[we arrive at her place.|next]]

(end of page)