see diff

src/mute/copy/complex/mistress/04.twee

@@ -49,7 +49,7 @@ How is this unjust to you? What the fuck, lady?
 I feel like what's happening has significance, I may have to give it some
 \ thought later. Em mounts the bed again and puts the eyelet back, and it does
 \ hurt, but not catastrophically, and not for long. She fiddles with the pliers
-\ again to restore the flarings, and it honestly doesn't hurt all that much,
+\ once more to restore the flarings, and it honestly doesn't hurt all that much,
 \ for all her angry talk I'm sure she is being careful still. So... What now?
 \ I don't want to play anymore, I want to be alone again. I guess in some ways
 \ I do have my wish granted, don't I? She made me feel very good, and now I
@@ -88,13 +88,117 @@ She's lacing me up again, then she unties my legs and the jacket and the hook
 \ from the bed, and pulls me up so I sit, and then gestures me to stand up.
 \ I do. I don't really care. A stream of saliva is running down my chest,
 \ someone might find it attractive. She rotates her finger in the air and I
-\ turn around. She gets behind me and takes the hook out. Eh.
+\ turn around. She gets behind me and ties the hook to the collar of the
+\ jacket, I guess she doesn't want to take it out yet. Then she goes out again
+\ and I don't. I don't really want anything now, I don't care what's happening
+\ or what will happen, I'd run away if I could... or maybe I don't care enough
+\ even to run away. I know I'm overreacting again, no recent event should
+\ have made me feel this way, but something did, and now I do feel this way,
+\ and what are you supposed to do now, that you already have these emotions?
+\ Just wait, I guess, sooner or later something else is going to happen and
+\ I'll like it, and then something else will happen and I will be depressed,
+\ and again, and again, and on, and on. Is it normal? I don't know. At least
+\ if I were insane Foxy would have told me I hope. She did say I need help
+\ that one time, maybe I do, but her help would be a life of antidepressants,
+\ and I don't know about that.
 
+Em is back, she ties something else to the collar and tugs on it, and then
+\ she manipulates me to turn me around, but not on the spot, rather over a
+\ large circle, like it's she who's turning around, having something long in
+\ her hands... Did she take a broom and is using it as some sort of a handle?
+\ She pushes me forward and I start walking out of the bedroom and towards the
+\ secret door. Well, that's gonna look silly, like that's a picture people in
+\ the complex will have to react to, like imagine seeing THAT. You're on your
+\ way to meet Sheila for coffee again, and now you see that young female
+\ colonel, with a ring gag, with eyelets in her pussy, like it's a boot or
+\ something, in a straitjacket, being pushed forward by an agent, using a
+\ broom... That's gonna make your day for sure. Forget day, you'll keep
+\ remembering it until your dying breath or maybe there's something very
+\ important nobody told me about this complex, if that's something you just
+\ don't notice, like a printer in your office or your wife's new hairstyle.
 
+"No, this is stupid."
 
+She removes the broom and stands it against the wall.
 
+"If you fall, I'll catch you. We're going to my place, I'll give directions.
+\ Elevator. Stop. Turn around, come to me."
 
+We are beyond the door now, and she takes a moment to close it. The gag is
+\ really uncomfortable, nearly painful now, and I drool much more than usual.
 
+"If I had a dick, it would be extremely hard, that's how sexy you look." --
+\ Um, thanks? I'm not in the mood at the moment, sorry. -- "Now, elevator."
+\ -- We go inside, she closes the door and pushes the button. -- "I know you're
+\ in pain. I want it to go away, but before it gets better it has to get worse.
+\ I sound like I have a plan, but I actually don't, I may have a premonition
+\ and I hope it will work out. While we walk I'll tell you something, please
+\ listen. Do you still think we're friends?" -- I mean... ... I nod. --
+\ "Good, so this is not an order, and I'm not your dom. I'm your friend, and
+\ I'm asking for a favour."
 
+She takes a moment to collect her thoughts.
 
+"Asking for informed consent is what you usually do. You know that and I know
+\ that and I know you've given it some thought and I've also given it some
+\ thought, and this is where I am now -- sometimes you don't. I'm not talking
+\ about torture or court orders or war or any of that. I mean sometimes the
+\ mere act of giving consent invalidates the thing you are consenting to. I'm
+\ sure you understand, this is what you ask me to do, to remove your right to
+\ consent in order to experience life without it. Some other times consent
+\ can't be meaningfully given at all, so either you do what's needed without
+\ it, or you walk away because you are afraid like a little pussy. Well, I'm
+\ not afraid. I can take responsibility. I'll do what I believe you need. I'll
+\ make decisions for you, and if you don't like the result, I'll make it right
+\ by you in whatever way you choose. I'm aware it's a problematic position."
 
+We're walking the corridors again, I'm not trying to navigate, I'm just walking
+\ forward, making turns when Em wants me to. This is an interesting topic, but
+\ I'm not ready to comment yet, and she's not asking for my opinion anyway.
+
+"You see, I share your mayday reaction, and I think you should have sent it out
+\ a long time ago, but you don't want to inconvenience people around you to
+\ come and rescue you, and I think you're wrong. When you are ready to rescue
+\ others, at the same time you have to give others a chance to rescue you too."
+
+She does make sense, it would be fair. I think I would send a mayday if my life
+\ was in an objective immediate danger. Objective. Immediate. Life. You're
+\ talking about my emotions, come on, my feelings, this is not something you
+\ request a rescue team to help you with. Mayday mayday mayday Mute Classified
+\ is feeling down mayday mayday mayday requesting a friend to talk to mayday
+\ mayday mayday having a bit of an emotional wreck mayday mayday mayday. Nope.
+
+"None of this has anything to do with getting back at you for your assignment.
+\ I'm trying to help my friend here, all right? One other thing." -- She
+\ collects her thoughts again. -- "Most of the time none of us knows what we
+\ want anyway. All we want is someone to love and everything to be okay. And
+\ I promise, everything will be okay, Mute."
+
+You know what, it's hard being emotional with a large ring gag in your mouth.
+\ She'll have to tell me this again, later, when we cuddle in bed or something.
+\ Someone to love would be nice though. And for that someone to love me back
+\ would be even nicer.
+
+"Sometimes you want something, but later you wish you didn't do it, sometimes
+\ you don't want something, but later you regret not doing it. Sometimes you
+\ submit to pressure, and later you actually like what you're doing. Sometimes
+\ you pressure others to do something you no longer find all that great. Most
+\ importantly if you regret your own decisions, that regret will poison you for
+\ the rest of your life, especially if you blame yourself for other people's
+\ unsatisfaction, real or otherwise, but if the fault was not yours... Well,
+\ in your case you somehow find a way to make it yours anyway, but normally
+\ you can let it go much easier, get over it and get back to being all right.
+\ You -- you, Mute -- tend to forgive others, but not yourself. For the most
+\ trivial shit, like being late for dinner, you will act like you're a war
+\ criminal, and it's seriously unhealthy. Especially considering that real
+\ war criminals tend to not feel guilty at all. I don't know why I'm telling
+\ you all this, maybe I want you to know my thoughts is all."
+
+She doesn't tell me anything else, and I don't have a coherent thought, rather
+\ some loose associations and blurry images of distant things, unlikely events
+\ and undefined people. It's interesting to have placeholders in your own
+\ visualizations, like this is, like, a person. Any person. Could be you.
+
+We walk and walk and walk and then [[we arrive at her place.|next]]
+
+(end of page)